Ok my lovelies… I know it’s been a ridiculously long time since I posted anything. I could give you a breakdown of just how busy I’ve been since I last posted – but I’m not ‘that guy’. Suffice it to say I’ve had an unprecedented amount of work fall in my lap, and it’s kept me distracted.
But it’s October! And that means I’m gearing up & being compelled to post more. I always have a good time around this holiday, and I hope you do too.
Before we get to all the fun stuff, there’s something that’s been weighing on my mind for the past few months… and maybe this little blog was just sitting patiently until I figured it out enough to put to words. Because I want to talk about Forgiveness.
Raised in the church as I was, forgiveness was, needless to say, a pretty big topic. The word was thrown around by everyone, all the time, in conversations… lessons… sermons… prayers… and honestly, I don’t know if anyone actually knew what it meant. I know I didn’t – though I thought I did.
I thought forgiveness was something you just “did” (nobody ever told me how) and all of a sudden everything was magically ok. But now I know a little something about real magic… and I know it doesn’t work that way. AT ALL.
Whenever I used to think about forgiveness, I would always get jammed up & resentful – because to me it was just letting someone off the hook for whatever it was that they did to you. Because you were “forgiving them”. And while that was all well & good for little things (I forgot your birthday, I didn’t come see your play, etc.) for the big things… the REAL hurts… it just didn’t seem right to me. A few words & *poof* the person gets off scot-free. Nope, I wasn’t feeling that at all. I wanted to punish people.
And yeah, I heard all the platitudes – You know the ones:
But it really didn’t make a difference. Because I had righteous indignation on my side. I had been treated very badly by some truly toxic people who were horrible to me, and I had every right not to forgive them. They didn’t deserve it. They had whatever ‘payback energy’ I could shoot at them coming to them, and good riddance.
Problem was… it really wasn’t doing me any good. Even though I knew I was right, knew I was the injured party, and knew they didn’t deserve forgiveness (because they were in no way sorry for what they’d done… they didn’t even think they were wrong in doing it)… hanging on to all that was pointless. They were going to be who they were no matter how I thought or felt about it.
So instead of trying to figure out what the church meant with their ‘instant perfection, just add bible’ version of the word, I decided to find my resolution through my own magic. As it turned out, it wasn’t all that tough.
Because I didn’t make it about the ones who had hurt me. I made it about me. What forgiveness actually meant in my life. Could I let it go? Yes. Could I be happy knowing they’d never acknowledge what they did? A little tougher, but yes. Could I find some good in the situation? Ah ha – there was the sticker. Took me a bit of time, but I did finally realize the whole truth of the matter.
Through that injustice, at the hands of those who couldn’t care less, I found a stronger me. I found my circle of brilliantly magical beings who feed my soul, lift me up, teach me & encourage me in ways that I didn’t even realize were possible. I’m not belittled, no demands are made of me, and I’m not expected to fit into anyone else’s opinion of who I’m meant to be… I’m accepted purely as who I am – and who I am becoming.
And there’s another thing I’m grateful for… a soul-deep re-connection to where I came from. A relaxing into the warm embrace of the South – a celebration of everything that makes me the kick-ass southern chick I am. My history… my ancestry… the smell of honeysuckles in my hair and the red clay in my veins…
It’s not something I expected, but it’s something I love. Cowboy boots, country music & all.
And if I had to go through hell to find it – well, that’s just the price that had to be paid.
I’m just glad I had exact change.