I recently lost my little girl.
I didn’t give birth to her, but I helped raise her. I changed her diapers, held & rocked her til she slept, brushed her hair, shopped with her, drank/ laughed/ fought/ loved with her… we cried over hurts & cheered over successes. In every way that mattered, she was my daughter.
Some people didn’t get it – some never knew – some still have no idea… and that’s fine. It’s not for them to know. It’s my life, and though I am free with my opinions both here and on other social media platforms, there is still a core that doesn’t often get shared. … a few private bits that I hold jealously to my chest, refusing to let the fact of them be sullied by the ‘slings and arrows’ of the wider world.
But not this time. … This time, I think someone, somewhere, needs to hear the words that all too often aren’t said.
Because I miss her – I love her – I am heartbroken… and I am PISSED.
I’m angry because it was senseless. She had everything in the world going for her – she was gorgeous, brilliant, talented… and not just in the way of ‘every parent thinks this of their child’ … she truly was. Dean’s List, Honors classes, First-chair Flute, Soloist, etc etc etc. She was at the brink of all the wonder that the world could have offered her.
But she quit. She ignored all that she had going for her and just gave up.
So I’m pissed.
She was loved… Oh, blessed Goddess, she was loved. She had friends and family who repeatedly told her how much she meant to them… proved time and again that they’d move heaven & earth for her… but it didn’t matter. She ignored it all.
So I’m pissed.
… and I get to say so.
I’m pissed that a perfectly fine Monday turned into a searing, raging, soul-ripping morass of emotion.
I’m angry that one of the shining lights of this world was snuffed out. You had no right to do that… You just didn’t.
I despise that I have been drowning in these emotions of mine and battered by the emotions of others. Empaths aren’t built for this!
I’m furious that I had to try to be strong for everyone else who was grieving for you… especially your father. He needed me – we needed each other – and usually you were the one to help me carry that burden… but no more.
I’m destroyed that your honorary uncle was half-way around the globe, heartsick for his brother & the loss of you, and that it was his birthday.
I’m resentful that my beautiful fur-babies were scared and confused at what was happening; at why their two humans, who they love dearly, were a silent, writhing, chaos of emotional turmoil.
I’m incensed that I’ve had to swallow my vicious retorts to all the people who try to dish out some BS about “her work here on earth must have been done… she was needed for spiritual work with our Father” – and all the rest of the vacuous platitudes that inane idiots feel the need to spout whenever they don’t understand something.
I’m outraged that you took one of my best friends… and that you decided there was no reason to talk to any of us.
I’m bitter that I had to be the one to hold on to your brother as he wept in my arms – because you’d lied to him and all of us about how excited you were for the plans we were making for this summer.
I’m hearbroken that the world has lost your music. The world needs music – especially the beauty you had within you.
I think I’m fine… and then something happens – someone says something – or I have a thought… and I just crumble inside all over again.
I want to be fine. I want to be able to put this all in its place. Oh, I’ve been great for the ‘rank & file’ out there… Said everything that needs to be said: “It’s just so senseless. She had so much to live for. You can’t explain grief – you get to feel whatever you’re feeling… it’s all valid. Yes, the world is a little darker without her in it. Thank you for your kind words… your sympathy… your thoughts… your prayers.” But I want to strangle them. I want to scream at them that I don’t give a rat’s fart about their sympathy – that they have no idea who you were or what you were about… or how this affects any of us you left behind.
I wanted to get up and wring your mother by the neck when she spoke at your memorial. But you know that already – you were there, I could tell. We two whipped the HELL out of the wind while she was talking, didn’t we?? She knew every word was a damn lie – and so did we. Next chance I get I’m going to scream my rage into the vicious winds.
I have your father. I have a SMALL group of true soul-friends who have been there for me… the ones who made me cry when they offered their words – because I could sense the truth in what they were saying. … And I’ll get through. This tsunami will settle, and life does go on.
But it’s not fair, baby girl…
It’s fucked up what you did.
But as always – No matter how mad I am with you…
I love you.
Deeply, Truly, Dearly…
…….. and Forever.